Saturday, August 17, 2013

Another week come and gone...

Well, as the Title says...another week has come and gone.

The weeks go by too quickly for my liking. Now it is Saturday night, and it feels like Sunday was just yesterday. A lot has happened this week though, in many aspects. I got my first couple 100%'s in school as well as a 99%, I learned of several massage field trips that I will be going on. The first is coming up this coming Wednesday the 21st for a blood drive in Concord. The Second will be the following Wednesday for the NHDOT, and the other will be happening at Hampton Beach for the Race to the Beach Relay...which is a 200 mile relay race from Cannon Mountain to Hampton Beach...or something like that. Either way, I get to practice what I have learned thus far, and that is an exciting thought.

Other than that, the girl that I have been trying to get to open up with people has finally been opening up...a tiny bit. She is a small, shy and anxious person...kinda like me a few years ago. I'm excited to see how this next week will go. A couple of others have taken to me as well...actually, everyone seems to like me...oddly enough. But I tend to stay with the older crowd...what that says about me, you decide.

In other news, I think that I may be coming down with something which is BAD BAD BAD BAD!! I can't afford to get sick during school...I wan't to get my Perfect Attendance award at school...and maybe even High Honors or Director's List...only time will tell...but for now, I CAN'T get sick!! I won't let it happen.

Sorry for the choppiness of the mind is everywhere and Im just trying to empty it...since I don't have people to talk to physically in person. That is another reason I can't wait for Monday and school, I get to see and talk to people...whereas on the weekend, there's nuthin'. and that sucks. Today for example seemed to last FOREVER! I mean I hate that it's only 9:10 PM...that means that I still have 3ish good hours until I start feeling tired.

I am planning on moving out of the Northeast sometime in the next few years...right now, possible destinations include... the three west coast states, Arizona, or Florida...specifically, Oregon, Washington, California, Arizona, that order.

There just isn't anything left for me up here in the Northeast...nothing but painful memories and heartache...don't get me wrong, there have been some wonderful memories made up here...but that is all they are...memories of a time gone past.  But yeah...I plan on moving sometime.

And that brings me to my next subject. For the past couple of weeks, this song really seems to be me:

I guess its because, for the past few weeks, I seem to be doing ok, I try to hold my head up and smile and act all confident and chill and whatever. But after a while, I just collapse on myself. I know I shouldn't let things get like this but it is REALLY hard with the military training that I have had to just suck it up, hold it all in, show no weakness...Its ingrained in me, indoctrinated in my very being. I try to talk to people, but it feels like complaining or that people will think less of me. Again, I know this isn't the case, but it's programmed.

I may have a rough exterior with the cold eyes, and stern demeanor, but that is just the outer appearance. But really, I'm  a quiet sensitive much as I hate to admit it. I had more to say...but for some reason, it escapes me.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Can't Sleep...Maybe This Will Help

So it's...
   early Tuesday morning...4:06AM to be precise...I woke up a couple of hours ago and I can't fall back asleep so I figured while I'm up, I might as well write another blog entry. Right now I just finished listening to "Me Ole Bamboo", an awesome song from the movie "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" which so happens to be one of my childhood favorites.

Yesterday was pretty awesome, especially compared to last week. I got up early at 6AM and showered, shaved and all that happy stuff, stopped by Dunkins...(I wish it was starbucks) and got a French Vanilla coffee and a chocolate chip muffin then got to school where I got to sit on the patio overlooking the river and just chill...well, not really. I was quizzed on the material that we would be going over. I'm quickly establishing my position as the guy everyone wants to study with because with the two quizzes that I have taken so far, I have consistently done leaps and bounds better than the rest, but that isn't me. It's God. Speaking of school, I found this meme...and it's pretty accurate haha:

But anyway, today we have a Medical Terminology quiz...two of them actually. I feel like I am more than ready for them. But back to yesterday. We hung out and just did some last minute studying, then went to class. My first class everyday is The Art of Massage and yesterday we stripped out of our shirts and further practiced draping which is an art in and of itself. We did that for two hours, then we had our Pathology class for FOUR hours. During one of our breaks, I introduced the AMAZING song that is "Echa Pal'le" is SUCH A FUN SONG! Pathology is such a interesting and fun subject. For those that don't know, Pathology is the study of disease processes and there are some interesting things out there.

But yeah...then at the end of the day, one of my class mates talked to me about joining Student Council...which I decided to do and will do next monday. Apparently the massage students are under represented. 

My class mates are pretty cool...and very diverse. We have...

-A former soldier
-A former EMT-I
-A hipster (in dress only) She's actually a very cool artistic person...but she hates Phil Collins.
-A really shy anxious introvert

just to name a few.

Since I started, my mind has been opened to a whole new world of different ways of healing and seeing the world...I mean even a year ago, I would have sworn that traditional conventional medicine is the answer to everything...but now, things are different. I'm seeing the affect of yoga, meditation, massage, etc. can have on people.

But anyways, that is all for now...time to see about getting some rest before I officially get up.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Yup, It's finally happened...for real.

Someone has gotten past my intricate personal security system. Let got me to let my guard down and let me to realize that I was telling myself lies just to try to mask how I was really feeling and man that SUCKS! She saw right past it all and into the very heart of my soul, bare and naked. I don't even know how to handle something like that.

I hate feeling so exposed to someone...her eyes were like daggers piercing through every defense I could throw up...but it didn't work. I trust her...and she knows it. She knows that Im not truly least not like I used to be. She knows that im hurt and lost...and the worst part was the sad look in her eyes...Things used to be so simple even just over a week ago. It's weird how much things can change in a week. My world was stood on it's head and just hanging on to a thread of hope that something will change for the better. I mean, I had it all, a week ago! I had a job, going to school and getting PAID to go and study a subject that I find fascinating and life changing, and I had the girl of my dreams...only to lose her. I mean she met every qualification and then some! She was a dancer, she was funny and beautiful, she understood me, and the list goes on! She is now the standard...but honestly...I'm not interested in another...and I hope I don't ever get interested.

It hurts too much to open myself to another only to have it shoved in my face 2-10 months later...It actually sucks being so vulnerable to people. But that's life I guess...The other thing that she made me see was how lost I am...I don't really feel like I have identity with anything...I just feel like some guy trying to make it through life. I want to change this...but I have a very destructive nature and one that is prone to depression...I never used to be, but ever since Afghanistan, that's changed. But hey, as long as she's happy, then that is what matters.

Maybe I just need to leave everything behind and
start fresh...move to one of the other corners of the country with no ties to anyway and never come back...who am I kidding, I'll never get out of the North East. The song of choice that would describe how I feel would be this song...

But mind is in knots right now and I can't organize my this will be the end of this post till I can straighten my thoughts out...

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Gah!! Get out of my head!!

Well, I don't even know what to say...

To start off, why does every bloody song on Pandora have to be some emotional lovey/romantic song that I used to listen to all the time and be reminded of my last girlfriend? I mean, what kind of sick joke is that? Not ONLY that, today in my last INT class, what did we go over?!? Relationships and Memories...why not kick a man while he's down. I got my "Time Diary" back from being graded...I got an awesome grade due to my detail and originality.

What is a time diary? It is a record of everything you do...and I mean everything. when you wake up, to how long it takes you to dress to how long you brush your teeth, etc. You get the idea. We did this for a week. And the diary showed several things, most aren't important. But something that the teacher mentioned in her notes, was that she noticed how much I cared for my girlfriend at the time. I mean if you looked through it, I spend like 48 hours with her that week...and that isn't counting times we'd take naps or cuddle or add that and you have a lot of time spent. So yeah, that didn't help my day.

Then we talked about Haslow's Hierarchy of Needs and how that affects stress levels and such and then we went over another type of was the Wellness Wheel...and that has 6 parts; Physical needs, Emotional needs, Spiritual needs, Social needs, Intellectual needs, and Occupational needs. We were asked to shade in these sectors to represent how full or well we are in those areas. Honestly, I wasn't surprised to see my Emotional, Social and Physical needs not as shaded as they should be.

I mean, I've lost my appetite and for whatever, when I lay down, I have trouble taking deep breaths. I just went through a painful breakup and I don't make friends easily and I don't have too many friends so that is how my social aspect is suffering.

Then with the memories part of the class, we went over how we've grown over the past eight weeks and how things have changed from beginning to end...and too much has changed for my personal liking. Then for the Coup de Grace, one of my class mates asked how my girlfriend and I were doing. :-| do you answer that without a twang of heart ache? I don't think it's possible...unless the girl is a witch...but mine wasn't...she was the opposite, an angel.

But yeah...that was my afternoon/evening. The day started it always does...and that's because I have school and I have something to help take my mind off life. I get to school early and sit on the patio overlooking the river and this morning we were just listening to Disney songs...that was relaxing and nice...but good things don't last. The day had to continue.

Maybe I just think too much...I mean, I know she said I didn't do anything to cause us to end...but going from being boyfriend/girlfriend to being "Friend Zoned" can't help but wonder what happened to cause that? maybe I did do/not do something to ruin it...wouldn't be the first time...

It also sucks to have a few things planned...but now they have fallen through. Like we were supposed to go to a baseball game this Sunday...but that isn't happening...and a trip to NYC...that probably won't happen...and if it does, it won't be the same. And this is cool, I made a binder for her because I was supposed to go away for two weeks...and this is what was in it:

I had a letter for everyday I was going to be gone. And in theses letters, they contained a memory that meant a lot to me and it also contained some sentiment from me and a coupon for random stuff. It was sweet and romantic...but that was trashed. All that hard work down the drain.

And for whatever reason, three songs have been repeating themselves in my head..."Broken Vow", "Si Volvieras A Mi", and "Remember When it Rained" all of which are by Josh should listen to them...on second thought, don't. You'll be pulled down into my pit of much as I love company, I wouldn't wish this on you...I'm rambling now...have a good night.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Im back...with a lot to tell.

Hello dear readers!

Im so sorry it has taken me this long to write another post...I got caught up in life. A lot has happened since May sit right back and hear the tale...

To start off, I took classes at Manchester Community College this summer: I actually just finished the semester...kinda. I still have one class left in my College Success Seminar, that ends on Tuesday. But I aced all my other classes. I got an "A" in my Microsoft Computer Applications class. That class was online, and I HATED IT!!!! But whatever, I got my "A".

I also had an English class which was...ok. I got an "A" in that class as well. It was easy enough to write a Narrative Essay, an Argumentative essay, an Analysis essay, a Combo essay, and finally a term paper. I did my Narrative essay on my first mission in Afghanistan, my Argumentative on Abortion, (How cliche, I know.) My Analysis on how to make a Filet mignon sandwich, and my combo was on my choosing a new school. And my term paper was on...Massage. (More about that later.)

My other class was American Sign Language I; and THAT was an easy and fun class. I understood it, it was easy, and the instructors made it fun! It was probably one of the easiest classes I have ever taken. I also got an "A" in this class.

The other and final class, you know about. The College Success Seminar. I still have one class left for that and it ends on Tuesday. (More on this later.) So far, I have an "A".

Also in the school realm, I have switched school and now I am at Seacoast Career School.

I am taking classes during the day 8:30 AM - 2:30 PM, Monday-Thursday with the occasional Friday. I am pursuing a job as a...wait for it...
MASSAGE THERAPIST!! I know, who woulda thunk it. This may come to a shock to many people especially people who have known me for years. However, things change and I have allowed myself to have a more open mind in many many things. I've done Zumba, which you don't see many guys doing...I'm pursuing Massage Therapy which has a male placement at 15-20% with females being that vast majority at 80-85%. I see this as a challenge to break the stereotype and it is a challenge I am happy to accept.

I am taking 4 classes this term. I am taking The Art of Massage Therapy, Pathology I, Medical Terminology, and Seated Massage. Today was my first day and as usual with first days, it was more of a welcome and here is the administrative stuff. So I didn't actually get to the "meat and potatoes" so to speak. That starts tomorrow....hopefully. I have the same instructor for all the classes and he is pretty cool...however he likes to go down rabbit trails...but Im ok with that. He usually has a point with them.

Also, some of the 2nd term students go out behind the school to a little patio on the river to meditate before school starts and that is something that I plan on joining in. Even if they don't do it every morning, I will be. 
This is a picture of the view from the is so tranquil and peaceful and quiet with nothing but the sound of the river. I love it. Or I may just walk along the road and the river...listening to my calming Kenny G or songs like "Sweet Afton" or even talk to God.

Speaking of God, I have been in the middle of "church searching". I am now at the age and point in my life where I need to make choices regarding my faith and how I feed it, on my own. I can't base these on the faith of my mom, dad, friends, etc. So if people have been wondering, that's where I have been...also at work...which sucks.

So, back to the English class thing, I was asked to help move one of my classmates and I agreed to help along with another guy. We were told that we were only moving a few pieces of furniture...and that we would be done by 2PM  latest...well not only was it a whole house of furniture and then another house on top of that with no tools to unscrew things or the like. So I had to miss a class because I had no way to get home and Im not mean enough to leave with a whole truck full of furniture...we eventually finished...but it was a hassle and a pain.

And finally...since last post, I started dating someone...and it was amazing! I haven't had so much fun as I did with her. She met every qualification I had for someone that I I lucked out! However, that ended last night...It sucks, but I completely understand and respect the reasons...we still plan on being close friends. It still hurts a little bit, but Im sure with time that'll subside. Maybe things will change in the future...maybe not. Only God knows. However, I think that I'm taking it...ok. Im still trying to figure and work things out...but like I said, we still plan on being close friends...and that is more important to me than how I feel. There is more on this subject...but Im not sure how to word it...

Long story short..Im doing ok. I think that I have definitely grown up since my last relationship. I mean every other time, I have blocked the girl and stopped talking to her...this time is different though...and I am beyond thankful that God let me grow up this time...because this girl is so different from the others...and Im glad that she considers me a close friends and that no matter what happens from here on out, Im glad to have her in my life, and Im glad to be in hers...ok, now I need to dry my eyes...this sucks. haha.

Hopefully I will have more for you guys soon.