Yup, It's finally happened...for real.

Someone has gotten past my intricate personal security system. Let got me to let my guard down and let go...got me to realize that I was telling myself lies just to try to mask how I was really feeling and man that SUCKS! She saw right past it all and into the very heart of my soul, bare and naked. I don't even know how to handle something like that.

I hate feeling so exposed to someone...her eyes were like daggers piercing through every defense I could throw up...but it didn't work. I trust her...and she knows it. She knows that Im not truly happy...at least not like I used to be. She knows that im hurt and lost...and the worst part was the sad look in her eyes...Things used to be so simple even just over a week ago. It's weird how much things can change in a week. My world was stood on it's head and now...im just hanging on to a thread of hope that something will change for the better. I mean, I had it all, a week ago! I had a job, going to school and getting PAID to go and study a subject that I find fascinating and life changing, and I had the girl of my dreams...only to lose her. I mean she met every qualification and then some! She was a dancer, she was funny and beautiful, she understood me, and the list goes on! She is now the standard...but honestly...I'm not interested in another...and I hope I don't ever get interested.

It hurts too much to open myself to another only to have it shoved in my face 2-10 months later...It actually sucks being so vulnerable to people. But that's life I guess...The other thing that she made me see was how lost I am...I don't really feel like I have identity with anything...I just feel like some guy trying to make it through life. I want to change this...but I have a very destructive nature and one that is prone to depression...I never used to be, but ever since Afghanistan, that's changed. But hey, as long as she's happy, then that is what matters.

Maybe I just need to leave everything behind and
start fresh...move to one of the other corners of the country with no ties to anyway and never come back...who am I kidding, I'll never get out of the North East. The song of choice that would describe how I feel would be this song...

But yeah...my mind is in knots right now and I can't organize my thoughts...so this will be the end of this post till I can straighten my thoughts out...